Broken and blessed...

I've debated whether or not to write this post. I have a fear of people thinking that I'm just looking for sympathy, and, while it's great to have the support of friends, the last thing I want is to be felt sorry for. But the more that I have thought about it, the more I have come to realize that I just really don't care. After what I have gone through, both physically and emotionally, in the last month, it was made very apparent that stories like mine need to be shared. So, here it goes: the story that I never thought I would need to tell...

Our journey to conceive Evelyn was a little longer than I would have liked. Years of hormonal birth control had sabotaged my body's natural rhythm. It was incredibly difficult to chart or track and actually "try" to have a baby with cycles that ranged anywhere from 32 to 40 days. After a year of frustration and disappointment Mike and I both agreed that it might be time to seek medical advice, but before we had a chance to make an appointment we were sweetly surprised by those 2 pink lines purely by accident! What a miracle and a blessing!

Despite some incessant morning sickness, my pregnancy with Evelyn was a breeze! My body seemed to thrive in pregnancy. I felt great and loved every minute of it. The same was true for the labor and delivery. She was born medication and complication free, and it was everything I had hoped it would be. It seemed to me that mine was a body that was just made to carry and birth babies.

When we decided it was time for Baby #2 I figured we would see more of the same. A long wait for that positive test, and, hopefully, smooth sailing once we got there. It seemed like I saw tons of stories of women who took awhile to conceive their first babies being able to conceive their next much more quickly, but I was sure that wouldn't be me. After having Evelyn my cycles had become much more regular, but I had in my mind that we were just 2 people that took a little more time to get pregnant so it wouldn't happen quickly for us. Imagine my surprise when I took a test on Halloween, just for fun and several days before my period was even due, and it was very faintly positive! Over the course of the weekend I took a few different types of tests and all came back positive. In an attempt to officially convince my reluctant husband I even took one of those digital tests with the weeks estimator to prove that the lines were indeed real, and, sure enough - Pregnant 1-2 weeks (past ovulation). I was so excited! It had happened so quickly that it didn't even seem real. It was still incredibly early and we weren't sure who to tell first and when. I had a few friends that had known we were trying and let them in on the secret right away, but I wanted to find a fun way to tell family. I ended up having photo cards printed and the plan was to have Evelyn give them to Grandma and Grandpa and then to announce publicly at Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, we didn't get that far. Four days after that first faint positive I began to have light spotting. No big deal. That's normal in early pregnancy. Except that the spotting continued to get heavier and by Thursday I was passing decent sized clots. At the insistence of the nurse at my midwife's office, and against my better judgement, I went to the emergency room. It was truly a horrible experience. The doctor himself was nice enough, but it was absolutely humiliating to be left for hours, half undressed and bleeding. I apologize if that seems crude, but that was the unfortunate reality of it. It was so embarrassing to have to sit there and be self conscious about what I might leave on the sheets. The worst was being whisked off to have an ultrasound and my husband not being allowed to come with me. I also wasn't allowed to see anything on the screen, which, I guess, is standard in a situation like that. At the end of it all I was told that I was miscarrying and had most likely already passed the baby. My ultrasound showed an empty uterus and my blood work yielded an hCG level of 28, which the doctor indicated to be an extremely low number. I bled for two more days and tried to come to grips with what had happened.

You never think it's going to be you, and when it happens you can't help but think of reasons to blame yourself. I wrestled with so many emotions, yet, even as I was trying to accept it all, I couldn't help feeling like something wasn't quite as it seemed. I had a follow up appointment scheduled with Katie, my midwife, for the following Wednesday. Those days seemed to be creeping by and I felt like my hormone levels were not dropping like I was told they would. I continued to take cheapo pregnancy tests and the lines continued to get darker instead of lighter. I also still felt pregnant. The night before my appointment I was driving myself crazy and decided to take the other weeks estimator test. The result was a little shocking, but I wasn't totally surprised. It now read Pregnant 2-3 weeks. I discussed this all with Katie the next morning. She felt as though I had experienced a chemical pregnancy, but when I said I felt like my levels weren't dropping she felt around on my belly and asked if I had been having any pain. She never specifically said it, but I'm sure she was checking for evidence of an ectopic pregnancy. I had not been experiencing any pain, and, thankfully, I never experienced any other symptoms to indicate an ectopic.

When the blood work from that appointment came back my hCG had actually risen to 230 and my progesterone was 22, which the nurse told me was very good! She said she didn't want to get my hopes up, but that she thought everything might actually be ok. I was asked to come back two days after that initial follow up for another blood draw to see if my levels continued to climb. As she was taking my blood, the very sweet lab tech told me that the ER should never have told me that I was miscarrying  because that can't be diagnosed from just one blood draw. She even said that with a progesterone level like mine, she wouldn't be surprised to see more than one little bean on my ultrasound! I tried to continue to be cautious, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't get my hopes up.

Once again unfortunately the news from this next blood draw was not good. My hCG dropped to 121 and my progesterone to 2.2. I also began bleeding again the following Monday and continued to bleed that entire week. Subsequent blood draws continued to show my levels dropping, though painfully slowly.

Now, a month later, my pregnancy tests are still coming up positive, though faintly, but I definitely no longer feel pregnant, though I do feel about 10 pounds heavier (Gee, thanks hormones). At this point we are just waiting and praying for this nightmare to end. I don't feel like I'm exaggerating when I say this entire roller coaster as been pure hell. I have been told I lost my baby, then told there is a good chance I didn't, and then found out that I really have all in the span of a few weeks that feel like they have lasted a lifetime. I have experienced emotions that I never thought that I would, and some that I didn't even know existed. Through all of this I have come to a much deeper understanding of my faith and have found myself to be much less reluctant to fall into the arms of my Savior than I would have previously thought (I tend to be a bit stubborn). I am trusting now that there is a method to the madness and an end to the suffering.

Despite the horribleness of this situation, I have been reminded over and over how incredibly blessed I am. I cannot say enough about my husband and the unwavering support he has provided me. I know there have been times that he has felt completely lost in my emotional mess, and I am so grateful for his patience and love. I have wonderful friends who have taken such great care of me, both physically and emotionally, and I am so very thankful for their ears and hearts when I needed to pour out my often ugly and unflattering feelings to them. And I am even more thankful now than I have ever been for my sweet beautiful baby girl, Evelyn Mae, who patted my arm and tried to pick the tears from my cheeks as I held her and cried on more than one occasion. I'm not sure what I would do with myself if it wasn't for her.

So that's my story. I wanted to share it because the subject of pregnancy loss seems to be such a taboo. Women are ashamed or embarrassed. I wanted to share my experience because I am not ashamed. My loss is not a secret. I hope that by writing all of this out and posting it online, some mama may stumble across it and realize that she is not alone, that this is not her fault, and that other mothers like me are thinking of and praying for her.

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” ~ Job 1:21

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. ~ Romans 8:18

No more chemicals = happy baby!

I've been thinking for awhile (really since before Evelyn was born) that I needed to find an alternative to the truck loads of Johnson's (j&j) baby products we were given. I registered for them, and wonderful generous family and friends bought them for us, but as a mommy I am constantly researching and learning and trying to do what is going to be the very best for my little birdie. {Fun fact! From its English origin, the name Evelyn means "beautiful bird"}

What I've learned about j&j products is not so good. Apparently their baby products contain known carcinogens and formaldehyde. Not really stuff I want to put on my baby. Granted, you'll find those same ingredients in tons of products, and it would take lots of exposure for those trace amounts to make a noticeable negative impact,  BUT, why expose my little one to all these chemicals if I don't have to?

I met a vendor at this year's Derby Breakfast that really got me thinking about it. She was selling her own homemade soaps. (I wish I could remember the name of the company, because she does have a website and sells a huge variety of products. If I find it, I'll post it.) She said that she began making her own baby soap when her oldest son was born and she couldn't find any in-store brands (organic included) that were truly chemical free. I've been using my j&j Bedtime Bath for the last 4 months, and really wishing that I wasn't, so I finally decided to do something about it and find out hard it really is to make your own baby wash. The answer is, not that hard!

Here is the recipe I {loosely} followed

And this is what I did!

1) Gathered my ingredients. I used olive oil I already had in my pantry, and, instead of buy Vitamin E or aloe vera gel, I squeezed the goop out of Vitamin E caplets that I already had. I bought my castile soap and lavender essential oil at our local health food store {they had Hemp Unscented Baby-Mild, not Aloe Vera like the recipe suggests. No biggie.} I discovered yesterday that I can get a much bigger bottle of the same soap for only $1+ more at Kroger. Good knowledge for when I run out.

2) Time to get mixing!

The recipe calls for 1/4 cup of castile soap for 12oz of shampoo. My bottle holds 17.5oz so I went with 1/3 cup.

This part was kind of fun {and sticky}. I should have counted how may caplets it took to fill 1 tbsp.

After all the oils were added. About 1/2 cup of stuff.

3) Even shampoo needs a home

I was definitely afraid of making a mess, so I poured it in the sink.

It didn't look like much after I poured it in.

I filled my measuring cup with water and poured it in the bottle to make sure I got all of that good soapy residue. Then I filled the bottle the rest of the way with water from the tap. FILL SLOWLY!

4) The finished product!

All of my handmade goodies are named after my pretty little birdie =]

The mixture naturally separates, so it needs to be shaken before each use (or that's my experience so far). Since it is so thin, my bottle (which was originally used for body wash) leaks a little bit. I will need to put cellophane or something under the cap if I ever travel with it.

I think I need to tweak this a little bit. It seems to make Evelyn's hair a little oily so I probably need to dilute it with  more water and little bit more castile soap. I also used a little bit more of the essential oil than the recipe calls for (about 4-5 drops), but the fragrance is still very light.

EDIT: I didn't end up needing to change anything. I found out I just need to make sure to shake it well and to lather it in my hands before putting it in her hair. It's also best if her hair is good and wet first.

She mentions this in the original recipe post, but I will reiterate: this shampoo is NOT TEAR FREE! It is, however, very mild. I put some in Little Bit's bath water and she splashed some up on her face and was not bothered by it, but I was very careful when I washed her hair with it to keep it out of her eyes

And here are some pictures of my beautiful baby enjoying her chemical free bath =]

She's usually much gigglier and splashier at bath time, but, as you can see by her Bugs Bunny bandages, she had her 4 month shots that day so she was little more lethargic.

Here she has the shampoo in her hair. It does lather, but doesn't foam up like I'm used to. It also just makes the bath water look a little cloudy. She smelled quite scrumptious after her bath =]

The birth of Evelyn Mae!

I warn you now, dear reader, this birth story is incredibly long and may seem a bit tedious, but I had to include every detail so that I wouldn't forget anything! Thanks in advance for taking the time to read about the coolest thing I've ever done =]

Evelyn's Birth Story

I never realized how much stock everyone seems to put in a baby’s due date until I began nearing the end of my pregnancy. This being my first baby, I had no idea what to expect from my body or my emotions in those final weeks, but apparently, to the outside world, I had turned into a ticking time bomb set to blow by no later than March 16^th. Questions like “How many weeks left now?” morphed into “That baby’s not here yet?!” and “Aren’t you just miserable?” when I was barely 37 weeks.

Truthfully, I was nowhere near miserable, except when people kept asking if I was. My pregnancy was a breeze, once the morning sickness subsided, and I was pretty content to let my baby stay inside as long as she wanted, even if that meant going to 42 weeks.

But when March 16^th came and went with absolutely no signs of labor, I realized that I too had been viewing that date as somewhat of a finish line. I still wasn’t very concerned about being overdue, but I was growing increasingly less patient with the random people stopping by my cubicle to marvel at my still pregnant self and to ask me what I found out at my last appointment. I never would have guessed so many strangers would be interested in my intimate bodily functions. I began wishing baby would come just so I wouldn’t have to dodge all of the questions anymore!

After multiple Non-Stress Tests and an ultrasound that showed that my sweet baby was way too happy in utero, and an extremely stressful appointment with an obstetrician trying to “encourage” me into induction with warnings of possible cord prolapse at only 2 days past due, my confidence in my body was beginning to wane. Luckily, I had an amazing midwife, Katie, who I made sure to see for all appointments after the disastrous OB affair. Katie assured me that it was no big deal for me to go past due, and that, as long as baby and I remained healthy and happy, she would continue to follow my lead.

At 41 weeks, I met with Katie again for another NST. Baby performed beautifully, yet again. She asked how I was doing and if I was still comfortable continuing on. I told her I was still fine going as long as I needed to, but I knew that eventually my time would be up and it would be deemed necessary to induce. Katie confirmed that about 10 days was as far as they would want me to go and that if I didn’t go into labor on my own by my appointment the following Tuesday, I would most likely be scheduled for induction Wednesday morning.

My heart dropped. A medical induction was something I had been adamant against wanting, and, in truth, been afraid of since becoming pregnant. I knew that baby would come when she was ready, and I hated the idea of trying to force her out. At this point, my amazing husband, Mike, became my advocate. He asked Katie what options we had, knowing that my goal was to have an un-medicated birth, and, after discussing the different things that might jump start labor, he and I agreed that it would be in our best interest to have Katie strip my membranes. I was already 2 centimeters dilated with a very soft cervix, so we hoped this might be the little nudge needed to get things moving. As much as I had not wanted to augment my labor in any way, I also wanted to ensure that I had tried every non-medical method before consenting to Pitocin. I left the office feeling good and crampy and with high hopes for the rest of the weekend.

Unfortunately, after laying down for a nap, the cramping subsided and did not return for the rest of the weekend. As Tuesday crept closer, I became increasingly convinced that my body just had no idea what it was doing and that there was no way I was going to go into labor on my own. I emailed my boss on Sunday evening to let him know that I would be induced at some point that week and would be starting my maternity leave on Monday to get myself ready.

Monday morning I slept late. For the first time in several days I had actually slept soundly through the night, and I took full advantage of it. When I did finally pull myself out of bed, I decided to take advantage of some of my midwife’s advice and get down on my hands and knees and do some cleaning. I scrubbed the bathtub and thoroughly cleaned our front loading washing machine which had gotten clogged with pet hair and started leaking. At one point the dog hurt himself while chasing the cat and Mike ended up leaving work early to help me take him to the vet. By the end of the day I was worn out and annoyed…and still not in labor.

Mike went to bed around 8:30 Monday night, which is very unusual for my night owl of a husband, but I wasn’t feeling tired enough for bed. I decided to take a shower to try to relax. As I stood in the hot water I began to pray and to talk to my little baby. I told my sweet girl that if she did not come out on her own, the doctors would try to force her out and that I was afraid she wouldn’t like it. I confided that I was scared for her safety. I told her that her daddy and I loved her and couldn’t wait to meet her and see her beautiful face.

I felt very weak. Even though I had been continually praying for peace about the possibility of induction, I never felt that peace. I pleaded with God to bring my baby naturally. In that moment I let all of my stress, fear and anxiety come to the surface and I cried. Sobbed is probably more accurate. I sobbed and sang a lullaby.

“All night, all day, angels watchin’ over my, my Lord.
All night, all day, angels watchin’ over me.
Now I lay me down to sleep. Angels watchin’ over me, my Lord.
Pray the Lord my soul to keep. Angels watchin’ over me.”

As I sang those words over and over, the truth that my God is in control and is constantly watching over me began to calm me. I prayed earnestly that my baby would come in His perfect time and that I would know peace in whatever way she came, and, for the first time, I really did feel some peace.

After all of that emotional upheaval there was no way I could sleep, so I turned on The Business of Being Born to try to get into a birthy mindset while I blow-dried my hair and then laid across my birth ball. I could watch that documentary over and over again and never get tired of it.

I finally got into bed around 11:20 pm. Just as I got nice and comfortable, Little Bit began moving like crazy. It made me smile to feel her so strong and active. I laid there enjoying her dance party and not paying any attention to the time passing or the fact that I was unable to fall asleep.

Around 2:00 am I began to notice some back pain, but didn’t think much of it. My back always seemed to hurt these days. However, after about an hour, I realized that the back pain wasn’t constant. It seemed to come and go. At about 3:30 am I decided that it might be worth it to try to time these pains and see if there was any kind of pattern to them. It was becoming increasingly more uncomfortable to lie in bed so I grabbed my pillow and relocated to the couch. Once situated there, I downloaded a contraction timer on my phone and began tracking the back pain. Right from the get go the pains were coming anywhere from three to seven minutes apart and lasting about 45 seconds. I was also beginning to feel them start in my lower belly and then move to my back. I was in denial for awhile, but eventually had to accept that these were, in fact, contractions. While they were not comfortable, they weren’t particularly painful, so I tried to relax and hopefully sleep a little. I was sure they would stop or at least slow down before long.  I was wrong. The contractions did not stop or slow and I wasn’t able to sleep. I eventually got out the heating pad to help with the back pain, and I was at least able to rest a little.

Sometime around 6:00 am, when I was pretty sure this was the real deal, I couldn’t stand being alone any more so I went to wake up Mike. “Babe, I’m in labor,” I said as I shook his arm. His response of “Are you serious?” made me laugh. I assured him that I was very serious. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him become coherent so quickly. I explained that the contractions weren’t terrible, but that I was feeling lonely and needed some company. He immediately got up and got himself completely ready, and, after helping me time a few more contractions (still 3-7 minutes apart and lasting 45 seconds to 1 minute), encouraged me to check in with the midwife.

I called the office and a few minutes later, Kendra, the midwife on call, called me back. I told her about my contractions so far – that they seemed close together, but that I could still easily walk and talk through them. We discussed my desire for a natural birth. She was very excited and encouraging about that, which helped to get me excited as well. She said that, because I was past 41 weeks, the hospital would not send me home if I went in, but that it sounded like I would be ok to stay home a while longer if I wanted to. She let me know that she was currently on her way home, but that Katie and Emily, another midwife I had seen several times, would be on call for the rest of the day. I had decided early on that I would deliver with whichever midwife was on call, but I was definitely glad that Katie was going to be available.

Since I was still able to function during contractions, I opted to stay home a while longer. I ate a little apple sauce and nibbled on some crackers. In an effort to pass the time and hopefully take my mind off of my increasing discomfort, we turned on the movie Tommy Boy. I sat on the couch, laid on the couch, knelt on the floor and leaned over the couch. I couldn’t stay in one position for terribly long. Mike rubbed my back when I asked and helped me hold the heating pad in place. I really appreciated his willingness to help me when I asked, and also to leave me be when I needed that.

I decided I would try to take a bit of a nap, since I hadn’t slept at all since 11:00 the previous morning. I laid on the couch with the heating pad against my back. With each contraction I pushed hard on my hip. The counter-pressure helped make the pain a little more bearable, and I was able to doze a little between the contractions.

A little before noon Mike came in to make himself some lunch, and I was beginning to wonder how much longer I was going to last. While I was still able to handle the discomfort, I was beginning to worry if I would continue to be able to if it kept up for many more hours. I decided to call the midwife to get her opinion on what I should do. I was nervous about going to the hospital too early or waiting too late. Having never gone through labor before, I wasn’t sure how I would know when it was time. I called the office and the nurse was able to catch Katie between appointments to talk to me.

Katie listened as I described my labor. For some reason, the contractions seemed slightly less intense while I was on the phone. Where I had been sounding rather breathless while talking when one would hit, while talking to Katie I was able to talk normally. Possibly because my speech didn’t seem labored, Katie didn’t think I needed to come in quite yet. She suggested that I take a bath and see if I could nap in the water and to eat something high in protein. She also gave me her cell phone number and said to call her when I was ready to come in and she would meet me at the hospital.

Having previously given up on my body’s ability to naturally go into labor, Mike and I hadn’t been to the grocery in a week or so. I think in both of our minds, we had decided to wait until my induction was scheduled to do one final grocery run, though neither of us actually said this out loud. That being the case, we had a whole lot of nothing to eat. Mike did not want to leave me home alone, so I called my mom to bring me some of my favorite Greek yogurt, and in the mean time I ran my bath.

At first, the warm water felt ok. I had a contraction while sitting up in the water and discovered that the pain wasn’t really lessened and I had to raise myself up so that my tail bone wasn’t in contact with the hard bottom of the tub. I tried laying down to see if that was more comfortable. It wasn’t. I got myself situated and thought that I possibly could doze a bit when I was hit with the most painful contraction yet. I shifted my hips to see if that would give me some relief, but a couple more contractions showed me that the bath was not going to work. The intensity of the contractions seemed amplified by the water, rather than muted. I was beginning to feel increased pressure as though I had to have a bowel movement and one contraction seemed to never completely fade before the next one came. Looking back, I believe I may have been beginning transition at this point.

After getting out of the tub, I ate some of the yogurt my mom had dropped off and then let Mike know that I thought we probably needed to go on to the hospital. I called Katie and left a message for her explaining the new intensity of my contractions and that I no longer felt comfortable being at home. I was definitely not able to talk normally through the pain anymore. We ended up leaving for the hospital around 1:30 pm. The car ride wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it might be. Maybe it was because I knew where I was headed, but it was definitely more bearable than the bath!

When we arrived at the hospital I hobbled my way up to labor and delivery. I don’t think I could have handled sitting in a wheelchair, though it was offered.  The nurse at the front desk asked, “What can I do for you?” I had to stop and think for a second. What are you supposed to say when you get to the hospital? “Um, I’m in labor” was the best I could do.  I also had no idea that I would have a million papers to sign upon check in, but my nurses were very sweet and patient. As I was getting changed and situated in bed, Katie came in. She asked if I was still planning to not have an epidural. I told her I was. Once I was situated she checked me. I was fully prepared to hear that I was a good 4 centimeters or some other small and depressing number. I was, therefore, very pleasantly surprised when she said, “I’m not surprised you’re feeling a lot of pressure. You’re 8 centimeters.” Praise the Lord! Of course, I knew that it could take hours to make those last 2 centimeters, but I was just relieved that I hadn’t gone in too early.  Apparently, at some point, the nurses were talking to me about prepping me for an IV and Katie told them no. I have no recollection of this. Mike told me this later. I do remember Katie telling me that because I was so far along and doing so well that I wouldn’t need an IV. I’m definitely glad that Katie was in the room at that moment to make that call. Definitely another blessing! Both not having to have an IV and having such a wonderful midwife to be my voice when I was clearly oblivious.

For the next couple of hours, I worked my way through the ever increasing contractions. I spent some time rocking on the birth ball. Katie had Mike massage my back with warm olive oil. Even in my discomfort, I couldn’t help but be proud of my texture sensitive husband who didn’t flinch away from getting his hands covered in oil. Unfortunately, he didn’t quite have the practiced touch that Katie had, and I eventually asked him to stop. I sincerely hoped that my, “Please, don’t touch me,” didn’t come out sounding ungrateful. I discovered that I’m a very independent laborer. I wanted my husband there, but I didn’t really want to interact with him beyond a comment here and there.

To my surprise, I ended up spending a majority of my labor at the hospital in the bed. I always thought I would be up walking around, using the ball or at least changing positions often. I think when it came down to it, I was too exhausted for most of those things so when the nurses needed me to get into the bed to monitor baby for a few minutes, I found a good position for managing my discomfort and then stayed there.

I laid on my right side, gripping the handrail for dear life with each contraction. One of my nurses encouraged me to rock on my hip during the contractions to help open everything up. I remember her asking me to do this, and, feeling trapped in my pain, I told her I couldn’t. She assured me that I could. It did seem to be helpful to have something to do, rather than just lay there, and, though it did not really relieve the pain, it didn’t make it any worse either, so with each contraction I rocked. I was ready to get this baby out, so anything that would speed that process along I would do.  As the contractions continued to increase in intensity they thankfully also became shorter. I found it amazing how my body adjusted to make it possible for me to continue to handle labor.

I was checked again a little after 5 pm and found to be nearly 10 centimeters. The nurse who checked me told me to make sure not to push because it could cause the last little lip of cervix to become irritated and inflamed. I could feel my body beginning to bearing down on its own. It became a bit of a battle to try to relax through contractions while also trying to fight the urge to push. A few minutes later Katie came in and asked how I was doing. When I let her know it was getting difficult to hold back she immediately told me to let my body do what it needed to do and definitely not to hold back. Oh, sweet relief! Then I was left alone with instructions to press the call button if I suddenly felt a lot of pressure or my water broke. The nurse said my water breaking wouldn’t be a big gush – maybe just a medium gush. I guess they were assuming my fluid levels would be lower since I was 10 days past due. Whatever type of gush, I was ready to get this show on the road. It was exciting to know that I was nearing the end and would soon meet my little girl! It was also kind of terrifying.

It couldn’t have been more than 20 minutes or so later that I felt that gush, and it was not medium! Mike said there was an audible pop, but I really can’t recall. I just remember that I pressed the call button, but at that exact moment Katie and several nurses came in anyway, and the train really got rolling! I was helped out of bed to use the bathroom while the linens were changed and the bed adjusted for me to push leaning over the back of it. Katie said that sitting on the toilet would be a good place to practice pushing. Unfortunately, the toilet, like the bath had been, was absolutely miserable. Apparently I am the opposite of most laboring women. During all of my research I kept seeing women talk about loving to labor on the toilet and in the bath. Not this girl.

Instead, I found it more comfortable to squat at the side of the bed. I believe there were a few nurses present who had never seen anyone not push in the standard spread-eagle position. I giggled a little when I heard Katie ask for hot water and towels. I thought that was just something they said in the movies. As it turned out, that was pretty much the only thing that happened like it does in the movies.

A few minutes of squatting caused my legs to become very tired and shaky, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to really push a baby out like that. I once again ended up laying in bed on my side. In another demonstration of her awesomeness, Katie told my husband to come and hold my leg. There was no asking involved. It was wonderful to have her so confidently in control of everything. And this time I was not opposed to my husband touching me. It felt good to have him close as we were getting ready to welcome our daughter.

I was worried that pushing would be extremely painful, but for me it felt like a release. At this point I couldn’t not push. I tried to be very controlled with each contraction. I was determined not to tear. There was no counting to ten and no coaching. I simply pushed as hard and as long as I felt was necessary. I believe every nurse in the labor and delivery ward was in my room by this time. I was the only person in labor and they don’t see very many natural births. I had an entire cheerleading squad behind me. One sweet nurse even took our camera to capture these precious moments for us.

I’m not sure how long I actually pushed, maybe 20 or 30 minutes. It didn’t feel like very long to me, but at the same time it seemed like she was crowning for an eternity. At one point I told Katie that it felt like I was birthing a beach ball rather than a tiny baby. A nurse asked if I wanted to touch the baby’s head so I did. I’m not sure what I expected, but what I felt didn’t feel remotely like a head and I’m kind of glad I couldn’t actually see what I was touching.  Finally, at 6:11pm on March 26^th, after roughly 16 hours of labor, our beautiful baby girl, Evelyn Mae, entered this world. Katie told me to reach down and take my daughter, but in the position I was laying I couldn’t reach her! Katie had to lift her to me, and once she was in my arms I never wanted to let go. At 6 pounds 15 ounces and 20 inches long she was absolutely perfect.  Mike cut her cord, which he had insisted for the entire 9 months that he would not do. He said that after watching the entire labor from the business end (something else he was not intending to do), cutting the cord was no big deal.

Despite my best efforts, I did end up with 3 small tears and required some stitches. I also suffered some excessive bleeding and had to have a shot of Pitocin. Mike said that the bleeding was making him nervous, but one of the many things I love about Katie is that she doesn’t make a big deal about anything. She fixed the situation quickly and calmly without causing undue stress. I wouldn’t have known anything at all was wrong had I not known that Pitocin is given in the event of post partum hemorrhage. I was in my own world with my sweet sweet baby. We laid there, basking in our euphoria, for over an hour. Evelyn latched on quickly and nursed for quite awhile, then settled on my chest, wide eyed and content.

I feel ridiculously blessed to have experienced such an easy and uneventful labor and birth. I can’t necessarily say that it was the birth I planned for. How do you truly plan your birth? But I don’t think I could have asked for things to go any more smoothly than they did.  The Lord heard my prayers and gave me above and beyond what I could have asked for. It was the most amazing experience of my life, and, quite honestly, I can’t wait to do it again. There has definitely been a passion for birth, particularly natural birth, ignited in me.

Now, nearly two months later, it’s hard to imagine that the beautiful little girl cooing on the floor next to me was once growing inside of me. I am amazed that my husband and I could have created something so perfect and in awe of God’s amazing design. Though we had some struggles with weight in the beginning and had to supplement with formula for a bit, Evelyn has since become an excellent, though slightly lazy, nurser. She now weighs over 10 pounds and has outgrown all of her newborn clothes. She is healthy and happy and captures my heart anew every single day.

Here are some pictures of our beautiful baby!

And a few days after coming home:

We're madly in love with our beautiful girl! It's hard to believe that I haven't slept more than 3 consecutive hours in nearly 2 months, but I can't imagine life any other way now!

Superwoman...

...I am not.

I've been struggling, throughout my entire pregnancy, with not being able to do EVERYTHING. I think this is something that I struggle with on a regular basis, but pregnancy has really brought it out.

There has been a lot with this pregnancy that I didn't anticipate. I think there are a lot of symptoms and things that women who have been pregnant either don't think to mention or just take for granted that currently pregnant mama's think or know these things will happen and are normal. Another major thing is that you just can't know what it's going to be like until your experience it.

I did not expect for morning sickness to knock me on my butt quite like it did. It's not pleasant to not be able to take a shower without vomiting down the drain. It's not pleasant, and it's kind of embarrassing, to have to jump up from your desk and run to bathroom, praying that there's no one else in there. I, personally, was not expecting to have to be medicated in order to continue functioning. Mommy fail #1! I felt so defeated when I realized that, as much as I didn't want to put random medications into my body and my baby, I couldn't continue to miss work. And then my poor little human mind started telling me that I wasn't doing this pregnancy thing right, because I should be able to handle this and now I was exposing my unborn baby to mystery medicine because I was weak. Of course, logically, I know this is not the case. I wasn't "giving up" and I wasn't failing. But again, I should be able to do everything, right?

I didn't anticipate the kind of tired I would be. Everything tells you that you will be tired during the first trimester, you'll get a bunch of energy in the second trimester, and then start feeling like death again as you start nearing delivery. I had read all of this, so I knew I would be tired. What I didn't know was the type of tired I would be. I didn't know that no matter how much I slept, I would never feel rested. I also was not so lucky as to get my energy back in the second trimester. So, I've been perpetually exhausted for the last eight and half months. This wasn't completely unexpected, but it does complicate everyday life.

I did not expect pregnancy to be painful. Everyone talks about how uncomfortable you become as your belly gets bigger, and how it's hard to get comfortable in bed. But I never heard anyone talk about being in pain during pregnancy, unless they were referring to a back ache. I spent pretty much all of this past Sunday in incredible round ligament pain. I couldn't move without gasping and was almost brought to tears on a few occasions. I was very close to calling the doctor or heading to the hospital. It did eventually settle down, and I'm glad I just rode it out. But it would have been nice to know from the get-go that pain like that is common and normal.

I did not anticipate how difficult it would be to go to work feeling the way I feel. My plan was to work tons of overtime so that I would be able to take off a full 12 weeks with full pay when baby is born. I didn't anticipate having days where I would wake up and just feel terrible for no apparent reason. I also never factored in the idea of genuinely getting sick and needing to stay home. So here comes another Mommy Fail. In my first trimester I ended up using more time than I earned due to all of the morning sickness. And then, when I finally wasn't puking my guts out anymore, I was still so tired that going into work early or on weekends seemed like the worst idea ever. So I've gone from thinking I'd have a full 12 weeks of time at home with my baby to hoping and praying that I at least get my six weeks at full pay.

Talk about depressing! I woke my husband up this morning, in tears, exclaiming that I am a bad mom because I've been sick for the past 3-ish days with the round ligament pain and with an apparent cold or some kind of sinus crud, and I was going to have to take a second day off in a row. My weekends almost up until Evie is due are booked so when am I going to be able to work to make up the time I'm taking off? What kind of mom doesn't make every sacrifice possible to do what's best for my child? Again, I know that's crazy mommy brain talking. Of course, my health is more central to my baby's well being than the number of hours of leave time I have.

Thankfully, I have such a wonderful husband. He was still half asleep during my mini mommy meltdown, but he essentially patted my head and told me that I can't feel bad for feeling bad and that no one, least of all my little baby, would think less of me for taking a day off work to try to recover and feel better.

So I'm constantly trying to remind myself that I cannot be Superwoman, no one can be, and I don't need to beat myself up for not being everything to everyone all the time. Oy, lots of prayers that my mommy brain just shuts up for awhile!

IN OTHER NEWS: Yesterday was my birthday! I am officially in my "upper 20s" and this is my very last birthday as a non-mommy. Very exciting. I had lunch with my mommy where we shared an emotional moment about me becoming mommy over our soup at Panera =P Then she came over and did my dishes for me! Best birthday present ever!

Weeks 26 through 30!

Again, very far behind. After 26 weeks we stopped doing the fruits/veggies. It started getting a little too tedious. I did mean to keep up with belly pictures, at least, but ya know...the best intentions.


26 weeks!

Baby Owens is the size of an english cucumber!

How far along: 26 weeks.
Total weight gain: Feeling about the same
Maternity clothes: Not much change in the last week
Sleep: The pillow fortress has betrayed me. It stopped being comfy after a few nights =[
Stretch marks: are stretchy
Best moment of the week: Celebrating my baby sister's and my daddy's birthdays! (And putting up the crib!)
Miss anything: How easy it used to be to put my socks on
Movement: Yes, and I love it!
Food Craving: I don't see this one changing, but who knows. Maybe at the very end I'll start the crazy cravings =]
Anything making you queasy or sick: Fit as a fiddle
Have you started to show yet: Yes
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly button in or out: Still in.
Wedding rings on or off: Still on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: About the same. Working on keeping my head on straight at work
Looking forward to: Christmas time!!


27 Weeks!

How far along: 27 weeks.
Total weight gain: I don't really notice my weight going up, but hubby tried to pop my back for me the other day and apparently I was bit more difficult to lift than I used to be =P
Maternity clothes: It's looking like I will soon be maternity pants exclusive
Sleep: I go back and forth between Snoogle and no Snoogle
Stretch marks: I've got 'em
Best moment of the week: Hmm...our Christmas food day was pretty awesome =P
Miss anything: My mobility
Movement: All the time. Still working on hubby though.
Food Craving: Still nothing
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope
Have you started to show yet: Yup
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly button in or out: Still in.
Wedding rings on or off: Still on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I'd still say happy most of the time.
Looking forward to: More food at work =P We have lots o' celebrations coming up.


28 Weeks!

How far along: 28 weeks.
Total weight gain: I'm sure I've gained a few lb's
Maternity clothes: My Liz Lange jeans are awesome
Sleep: It's getting more difficult to get and stay comfortable
Stretch marks: They're not going anywhere
Best moment of the week: Evelyn finally let her daddy feel her move! It was pretty awesome. He said it wasn't as weird as he expected =P
Miss anything: My mobility <-- I have a feeling this is going to be it for awhile
Movement: Yes! And now daddy can too =]
Food Craving: Still nothing
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope
Have you started to show yet: Yup
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly button in or out: Still in.
Wedding rings on or off: Still on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Still happy. I'm hoping I don't get crazy crabby
Looking forward to: More Christmas celebrations!


29 Weeks!

How far along: 29 weeks.
Total weight gain: I was a little shocked at the number on the scale at the doctor this week, but I'm healthy and my weight gain hasn't been excessive so I'm not worrying about about it. I just hope to not see those numbers when I'm not pregnant!
Maternity clothes: It's all maternity all the time now. At least with the pants. Shirts aren't really a big deal
Sleep: Had a really uncomfortable night on Christmas Eve night. Hope that doesn't become a pattern
Stretch marks: I'm owning them!
Best moment of the week: Spending lots of time with both our families for Christmas. Evie did pretty well for not even being born yet =]
Miss anything: Restful sleep
Movement: It's weird that I can feel her on both sides at the same time
Food Craving: Still nothing
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope
Have you started to show yet: Yup
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly button in or out: Still in.
Wedding rings on or off: Still on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Staying positive
Looking forward to: Our baby showers. We now have 2 planned for the end of January!


30 Weeks!

My bump at nearly 30 weeks! (And the tail of a very curious kitty)

The view from above. Where are my feet?!

How far along: 30 weeks. Holy cow, home stretch!
Total weight gain: I won't weigh until I got back for next appointment. We're at every 2 weeks now =]
Maternity clothes: I have GOT to buy some more dress pants
Sleep: The fight continues
Stretch marks: My mom got me some new lotion that may help sooth them a little.
Best moment of the week: A great date night with my hubby for New Year's. I wasn't sure I would make until midnight, but I did it!
Miss anything: Mainly the mobility, and not needing to cross my legs as a precaution every time I sneeze or cough too forcefully
Movement: Supposedly she's supposed to be working her way into the head down position, but I feel pretty much all of the movement way down low, so I'm not sure what that indicates
Food Craving: Still nothing
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope
Have you started to show yet: Yup
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly button in or out: Still in.
Wedding rings on or off: Still on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Apprehensive about the first full week of work coming up after 2 short weeks!
Looking forward to: Scheduling our child birth class. Gotta get on that!

Weeks 23 through 25!

So, this is a lot more difficult to keep up with than I had originally thought. I do ok with the pictures and everything, but actually getting them posted is a whole different ballgame. Thanks for sticking with me!

23 Weeks!

Baby Owens is the size of a spaghetti squash! I didn't get a belly picture thins week.

How far along: 23 weeks.
Total weight gain: I can tell it's going up!
Maternity clothes: They're becoming more of a necessity at this point, but I can still squeeze into some of my normal pants
Sleep: Bought a Snoogle when we were at Babies R Us. Hopefully it will make things more comfortable.
Stretch marks: They're definitely there
Best moment of the week: Spending Saturday in Lexington with hubby registering. It was so fun, and kind of surreal!
Miss anything: Not missing anything at the moment
Movement: Getting wigglier every day! I'm even detecting some daily patterns.
Food Craving: Still nothing specific. I'm beginning to think that won't really happen for me.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Only when I haven't eaten recently enough.
Have you started to show yet: Getting there.
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly button in or out: Still in.
Wedding rings on or off: Still on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Emotions are sometimes a little heightened, but nothing out of control
Looking forward to: Thanksgiving next week! It's my favorite holiday!


24 Weeks!

Baby Owens is the size of an ear of corn!

 How far along: 24 weeks.
Total weight gain: I probably gained 10 pounds from Thanksgiving food alone!
Maternity clothes: Wore my BeBand for the first time to make my regular pants last a little longer. I like it, I think.
Sleep: I haven't quite mastered the Snoogle, but I think it will help
Stretch marks: Getting stretchier all the time.
Best moment of the week: Celebrating Thanksgiving with my extended family! We only get to see them once a year, so it's a pretty big deal.
Miss anything: Can't say that I am
Movement: I love it so much!
Food Craving: I've eaten pretty much everything I've come across this week =P
Anything making you queasy or sick: Feeling good
Have you started to show yet: It depends on the day, but she still seems to like to be close to my spine
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly button in or out: Still in.
Wedding rings on or off: Still on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I've been pretty happy this week, but I was definitely in need of a little vacation
Looking forward to: Our next appointment next week! I have a whole list of questions to ask our midwife about the birth. 


25 Weeks!

Baby Owens is the size of a cauliflower!

 How far along: 25 weeks.
Total weight gain: According to my most recent weigh in, I'm up about 8 pounds from my last visit!
Maternity clothes: I'm now to the point where I can't wear my regular pants without the BeBand and I pretty much live in sweats at home.
Sleep: I've created a pillow fortress for myself and it seems to be helping =P
Stretch marks: As you can see, I definitely have them. Unfortunately, I'm not going to have the beautiful smooth prego belly, but I can appreciate it.
Best moment of the week: Hearing that heart beat again! 145 bpm
Miss anything: Not having to worry about peeing when I sneeze, maybe?
Movement: Oh yes! I'm beginning to be able to see and feel it from the outside. I keep trying to get hubby to catch it, but he hasn't been able to yet.
Food Craving: Still nothing
Anything making you queasy or sick: Just the idea of how fast this all seems to be going!
Have you started to show yet: More and more! Is it weird that I want to have a big huge belly?
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly button in or out: Still in.
Wedding rings on or off: Still on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I think frustration is the main thing that I notice more of.
Looking forward to: Getting the crib! We ordered it the other day and just have to wait for it to be delivered to the store. Also looking forward to getting into the Christmas spirit! We should be putting out tree up soon!


I've been thinking about labor and delivery quite a bit lately, and I guess I must be weird because it's actually something I'm excited about. I know it's going to be the most painful thing I've ever felt, but at this point I have no fear about it. I'm excited to go through the process that will bring my daughter into the world!

Weeks 20 through 22!

So, I'm really bad about keeping this up to date! Here's another installment.

20 Weeks!

Baby Owens is the size of a mango!

How far along: 20 weeks.
Total weight gain: Honestly feeling about the same. The only time I check my weight is at the doctor =P
Maternity clothes: Started wearing some of the pants my sister gave me. I can still wear my regular pants, but they’re not quite as comfy.
Sleep: Meh
Stretch marks: I have a couple definite new ones, but really nothing major
Best moment of the week: Realize those strange tummy bubbles are fo’ realz baby wiggles! Totally amazing!
Miss anything: I’m felling pretty good
Movement: Yes indeed! Not a ton, but that’s definitely baby I’m feeling =]
Food Craving: Nothing specific, but I want what I want when I want it
Anything making you queasy or sick: Haven’t really felt sick in a while
Have you started to show yet: There’s a baby bump, but other people can’t really tell
Gender: We find out next week and I CAN’T WAIT!
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly button in or out: Still in.
Wedding rings on or off: Still on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I think I get flustered a little more easily.
Looking forward to: Our appointment next week and our gender reveal party! It’s going to be crazy to put a “him” or “her” to our little peanut!


21 Weeks!

I had some technical difficulties and accidentally deleted this weeks photos! But Baby Owens is the size of a cantaloup!!

 How far along: 21 weeks.
Total weight gain: I have gained about a pound since my last appointment. I feel like I’m not gaining anything, but the doctor doesn’t seem concerned. I guess I should feel lucky! The little bit of weight I have gained is in my belly and not everywhere else, which is blessing =]
Maternity clothes: Same old. I need to go shopping for some good fitting pants.
Sleep: Not sleeping the best. I’m not sure how much is pregnancy and how much is just the way I’m wired. I’ve never been a great sleeper.
Stretch marks: They’re still there =P
Best moment of the week: Seeing our amazing baby in 3D! Totally unexpected, incredibly to see a real, precious face! And our gender reveal, of course =]
Miss anything: Nothing right now
Movement: We have a wiggle worm. I’m still not feeling a ton, but we saw lots of movement on the ultrasound.
Food Craving: Still no wacky cravings
Anything making you queasy or sick: I’m thinking that time has passed, Praise Jesus!
Have you started to show yet: Depending on the day (and the shirt) there’s a definite little bump there.
Gender: IT’S A GIRL! A sweet beautiful baby girl! Hubby couldn’t wait for the party and snuck a peek on Thursday, but I held out and was surprised. Granddaughter number 5 for his parents. They were all rooting for a boy =P
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly button in or out: Still in.
Wedding rings on or off: Still on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I’m kind of over the moon right now, but I still have my moody moments
Looking forward to: Getting the nursery cleaned out and ready.

22 Weeks!

Baby Owens is the size of a Eggplant!

 

How far along: 22 weeks.
Total weight gain: Haven’t weighed since the last appointment. Feeling about the same
Maternity clothes: Wearing the maternity pants my sister gave more and more, and definitely need to go find some that really fit well. Gotta wait until pay day!
Sleep: About the same. I would like more of it!
Stretch marks: Same. It seems weird that I have new since since I’m not really showing at all. I guess there’s a lot more going on than what it looks like.
Best moment of the week: Seeing my pretty sister compete in the Miss WHHS Pageant. She was a finalist! I also got to spend some time with family and have lots of cuddles with my sweet niece, Clara.
Miss anything: Seriously wouldn’t trade this for anything!
Movement: Quite a bit more. Apparently she is a fan of Mariah Carey =P
Food Craving: Still no real cravings
Anything making you queasy or sick: Sickness is still staying away!
Have you started to show yet: I think she’s growing fast now. More people can tell.
Gender: Baby girl
Labor Signs: No way!
Belly button in or out: Still in.
Wedding rings on or off: Still on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: The mood seems to be a little more in check.
Looking forward to: Registering!

In other news, hubby and I have settled on the perfect name! We can’t wait to introduce the world to miss Evelyn Mae Owens!