Those of you that know me well probably know that I've recently been bitten by the baby bug, but I'm really not sure that anyone knows the extent to which this little bug has been ravaging my heart. Mike and I are very sensible. We don't make much money and we live in a less than ideal location for raising a family. We have decided not to even think about children until I have a full time job and we are able to move into a more stable and suitable living situation. But all of this reasoning and logic doesn't stop my heart from aching when I see a newborn or from being jealous of my 18 year old co-worker who found herself unexpectedly pregnant. I am not jealous of the struggles she will have, but I cannot help but be saddened to think that her irresponsibility has given her something that I long for, but am too responsible to go after.
I have so many wonderful kids in my life already - my awesome nephew, Preston; and Caroline, who hangs out with me every day, and who, even as she sits here smearing peanut butter all over her face, melts my heart. I will be an aunt again in April, and then again in August (though not biologically). I say that I am content to live vicariously through these little ones until Mike and I are ready, but it's just not true. If it were up to me, we'd be ready now. I feel ready now. I know that I will be a wonderful mother and Mike will be an excellent father, and, regardless of our situations, we would give our child the best life possible.
It is a comfort, but also a struggle, to remind myself that my satisfaction should not come from my situations in this life, but from my Savior who provides for my every need. I know that I should be satisfied, but I'm not. I am praying each day that God strengthens my faith and gives me His peace.
Are my feeling irrational? Or am I over-reacting to normals feelings for a married woman my age?
anna! i didn't know you had a blog! :] i can totally relate to your feelings!! i blogged about this a little while ago... i go through some months where i desire so much to have a baby! i want to be a mother with all of my heart, but we are like you. the timing is not right, right now. so we are waiting :] the thing that helped the most was really surrendering that desire to the lord. and also reflecting on what i have right now! i will never have this time again with my husband.... time that i cherish so much! being able to pick up at any second and go out on a date, or go on a weekend vacation for really cheap! it is realizing that this time is a blessing from the Lord that gets me through the times where i am so sad about not being able to start a family with children in it :] this is a time to be cherished, which can be hard to remember when you are around sweet little babes every day! it also helps to talk about or write about it... to get your feelings out.
ReplyDeletesee you tonight at pcg!
love,
Tres bien