...I am not.
I've been struggling, throughout my entire pregnancy, with not being able to do EVERYTHING. I think this is something that I struggle with on a regular basis, but pregnancy has really brought it out.
There has been a lot with this pregnancy that I didn't anticipate. I think there are a lot of symptoms and things that women who have been pregnant either don't think to mention or just take for granted that currently pregnant mama's think or know these things will happen and are normal. Another major thing is that you just can't know what it's going to be like until your experience it.
I did not expect for morning sickness to knock me on my butt quite like it did. It's not pleasant to not be able to take a shower without vomiting down the drain. It's not pleasant, and it's kind of embarrassing, to have to jump up from your desk and run to bathroom, praying that there's no one else in there. I, personally, was not expecting to have to be medicated in order to continue functioning. Mommy fail #1! I felt so defeated when I realized that, as much as I didn't want to put random medications into my body and my baby, I couldn't continue to miss work. And then my poor little human mind started telling me that I wasn't doing this pregnancy thing right, because I should be able to handle this and now I was exposing my unborn baby to mystery medicine because I was weak. Of course, logically, I know this is not the case. I wasn't "giving up" and I wasn't failing. But again, I should be able to do everything, right?
I didn't anticipate the kind of tired I would be. Everything tells you that you will be tired during the first trimester, you'll get a bunch of energy in the second trimester, and then start feeling like death again as you start nearing delivery. I had read all of this, so I knew I would be tired. What I didn't know was the type of tired I would be. I didn't know that no matter how much I slept, I would never feel rested. I also was not so lucky as to get my energy back in the second trimester. So, I've been perpetually exhausted for the last eight and half months. This wasn't completely unexpected, but it does complicate everyday life.
I did not expect pregnancy to be painful. Everyone talks about how uncomfortable you become as your belly gets bigger, and how it's hard to get comfortable in bed. But I never heard anyone talk about being in pain during pregnancy, unless they were referring to a back ache. I spent pretty much all of this past Sunday in incredible round ligament pain. I couldn't move without gasping and was almost brought to tears on a few occasions. I was very close to calling the doctor or heading to the hospital. It did eventually settle down, and I'm glad I just rode it out. But it would have been nice to know from the get-go that pain like that is common and normal.
I did not anticipate how difficult it would be to go to work feeling the way I feel. My plan was to work tons of overtime so that I would be able to take off a full 12 weeks with full pay when baby is born. I didn't anticipate having days where I would wake up and just feel terrible for no apparent reason. I also never factored in the idea of genuinely getting sick and needing to stay home. So here comes another Mommy Fail. In my first trimester I ended up using more time than I earned due to all of the morning sickness. And then, when I finally wasn't puking my guts out anymore, I was still so tired that going into work early or on weekends seemed like the worst idea ever. So I've gone from thinking I'd have a full 12 weeks of time at home with my baby to hoping and praying that I at least get my six weeks at full pay.
Talk about depressing! I woke my husband up this morning, in tears, exclaiming that I am a bad mom because I've been sick for the past 3-ish days with the round ligament pain and with an apparent cold or some kind of sinus crud, and I was going to have to take a second day off in a row. My weekends almost up until Evie is due are booked so when am I going to be able to work to make up the time I'm taking off? What kind of mom doesn't make every sacrifice possible to do what's best for my child? Again, I know that's crazy mommy brain talking. Of course, my health is more central to my baby's well being than the number of hours of leave time I have.
Thankfully, I have such a wonderful husband. He was still half asleep during my mini mommy meltdown, but he essentially patted my head and told me that I can't feel bad for feeling bad and that no one, least of all my little baby, would think less of me for taking a day off work to try to recover and feel better.
So I'm constantly trying to remind myself that I cannot be Superwoman, no one can be, and I don't need to beat myself up for not being everything to everyone all the time. Oy, lots of prayers that my mommy brain just shuts up for awhile!
IN OTHER NEWS: Yesterday was my birthday! I am officially in my "upper 20s" and this is my very last birthday as a non-mommy. Very exciting. I had lunch with my mommy where we shared an emotional moment about me becoming mommy over our soup at Panera =P Then she came over and did my dishes for me! Best birthday present ever!
