I've debated whether or not to write this post. I have a fear of people thinking that I'm just looking for sympathy, and, while it's great to have the support of friends, the last thing I want is to be felt sorry for. But the more that I have thought about it, the more I have come to realize that I just really don't care. After what I have gone through, both physically and emotionally, in the last month, it was made very apparent that stories like mine need to be shared. So, here it goes: the story that I never thought I would need to tell...
Our journey to conceive Evelyn was a little longer than I would have liked. Years of hormonal birth control had sabotaged my body's natural rhythm. It was incredibly difficult to chart or track and actually "try" to have a baby with cycles that ranged anywhere from 32 to 40 days. After a year of frustration and disappointment Mike and I both agreed that it might be time to seek medical advice, but before we had a chance to make an appointment we were sweetly surprised by those 2 pink lines purely by accident! What a miracle and a blessing!
Despite some incessant morning sickness, my pregnancy with Evelyn was a breeze! My body seemed to thrive in pregnancy. I felt great and loved every minute of it. The same was true for the labor and delivery. She was born medication and complication free, and it was everything I had hoped it would be. It seemed to me that mine was a body that was just made to carry and birth babies.
When we decided it was time for Baby #2 I figured we would see more of the same. A long wait for that positive test, and, hopefully, smooth sailing once we got there. It seemed like I saw tons of stories of women who took awhile to conceive their first babies being able to conceive their next much more quickly, but I was sure that wouldn't be me. After having Evelyn my cycles had become much more regular, but I had in my mind that we were just 2 people that took a little more time to get pregnant so it wouldn't happen quickly for us. Imagine my surprise when I took a test on Halloween, just for fun and several days before my period was even due, and it was very faintly positive! Over the course of the weekend I took a few different types of tests and all came back positive. In an attempt to officially convince my reluctant husband I even took one of those digital tests with the weeks estimator to prove that the lines were indeed real, and, sure enough - Pregnant 1-2 weeks (past ovulation). I was so excited! It had happened so quickly that it didn't even seem real. It was still incredibly early and we weren't sure who to tell first and when. I had a few friends that had known we were trying and let them in on the secret right away, but I wanted to find a fun way to tell family. I ended up having photo cards printed and the plan was to have Evelyn give them to Grandma and Grandpa and then to announce publicly at Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, we didn't get that far. Four days after that first faint positive I began to have light spotting. No big deal. That's normal in early pregnancy. Except that the spotting continued to get heavier and by Thursday I was passing decent sized clots. At the insistence of the nurse at my midwife's office, and against my better judgement, I went to the emergency room. It was truly a horrible experience. The doctor himself was nice enough, but it was absolutely humiliating to be left for hours, half undressed and bleeding. I apologize if that seems crude, but that was the unfortunate reality of it. It was so embarrassing to have to sit there and be self conscious about what I might leave on the sheets. The worst was being whisked off to have an ultrasound and my husband not being allowed to come with me. I also wasn't allowed to see anything on the screen, which, I guess, is standard in a situation like that. At the end of it all I was told that I was miscarrying and had most likely already passed the baby. My ultrasound showed an empty uterus and my blood work yielded an hCG level of 28, which the doctor indicated to be an extremely low number. I bled for two more days and tried to come to grips with what had happened.
You never think it's going to be you, and when it happens you can't help but think of reasons to blame yourself. I wrestled with so many emotions, yet, even as I was trying to accept it all, I couldn't help feeling like something wasn't quite as it seemed. I had a follow up appointment scheduled with Katie, my midwife, for the following Wednesday. Those days seemed to be creeping by and I felt like my hormone levels were not dropping like I was told they would. I continued to take cheapo pregnancy tests and the lines continued to get darker instead of lighter. I also still felt pregnant. The night before my appointment I was driving myself crazy and decided to take the other weeks estimator test. The result was a little shocking, but I wasn't totally surprised. It now read Pregnant 2-3 weeks. I discussed this all with Katie the next morning. She felt as though I had experienced a chemical pregnancy, but when I said I felt like my levels weren't dropping she felt around on my belly and asked if I had been having any pain. She never specifically said it, but I'm sure she was checking for evidence of an ectopic pregnancy. I had not been experiencing any pain, and, thankfully, I never experienced any other symptoms to indicate an ectopic.
When the blood work from that appointment came back my hCG had actually risen to 230 and my progesterone was 22, which the nurse told me was very good! She said she didn't want to get my hopes up, but that she thought everything might actually be ok. I was asked to come back two days after that initial follow up for another blood draw to see if my levels continued to climb. As she was taking my blood, the very sweet lab tech told me that the ER should never have told me that I was miscarrying because that can't be diagnosed from just one blood draw. She even said that with a progesterone level like mine, she wouldn't be surprised to see more than one little bean on my ultrasound! I tried to continue to be cautious, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't get my hopes up.
Once again unfortunately the news from this next blood draw was not good. My hCG dropped to 121 and my progesterone to 2.2. I also began bleeding again the following Monday and continued to bleed that entire week. Subsequent blood draws continued to show my levels dropping, though painfully slowly.
Now, a month later, my pregnancy tests are still coming up positive, though faintly, but I definitely no longer feel pregnant, though I do feel about 10 pounds heavier (Gee, thanks hormones). At this point we are just waiting and praying for this nightmare to end. I don't feel like I'm exaggerating when I say this entire roller coaster as been pure hell. I have been told I lost my baby, then told there is a good chance I didn't, and then found out that I really have all in the span of a few weeks that feel like they have lasted a lifetime. I have experienced emotions that I never thought that I would, and some that I didn't even know existed. Through all of this I have come to a much deeper understanding of my faith and have found myself to be much less reluctant to fall into the arms of my Savior than I would have previously thought (I tend to be a bit stubborn). I am trusting now that there is a method to the madness and an end to the suffering.
Despite the horribleness of this situation, I have been reminded over and over how incredibly blessed I am. I cannot say enough about my husband and the unwavering support he has provided me. I know there have been times that he has felt completely lost in my emotional mess, and I am so grateful for his patience and love. I have wonderful friends who have taken such great care of me, both physically and emotionally, and I am so very thankful for their ears and hearts when I needed to pour out my often ugly and unflattering feelings to them. And I am even more thankful now than I have ever been for my sweet beautiful baby girl, Evelyn Mae, who patted my arm and tried to pick the tears from my cheeks as I held her and cried on more than one occasion. I'm not sure what I would do with myself if it wasn't for her.
So that's my story. I wanted to share it because the subject of pregnancy loss seems to be such a taboo. Women are ashamed or embarrassed. I wanted to share my experience because I am not ashamed. My loss is not a secret. I hope that by writing all of this out and posting it online, some mama may stumble across it and realize that she is not alone, that this is not her fault, and that other mothers like me are thinking of and praying for her.
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD
gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” ~ Job 1:21
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. ~ Romans 8:18
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